The Bible’s Secret Files : Twiggy

Now, lots of people don’t know who Twiggy is mainly because Christianity, and God in particular tried to keep this a secret. Basically, at the beginning of time, God was not the only God created, although he was the most gifted. Beside his warlike twin brother, Allah and his sexually obsessed older brother Brahma…God had a cousin.

This cousin was no ordinary deity. He was retarded. Alhough Galacon (the guy who created everything , then misteriously disappeared) wanted to give him a cool name like Thornazar or Sod, all Twiggy could utter was ”Twigeeeeee”. So , this was it ! God had a retarded cousin named Twiggy. Somehow ashamed, he decided not to include the chapter about diety creation in the Bible. Even so…Twiggy’s legacy still reigns…

-Do you know why good people die all the time ? Mainly because God can’t keep Twiggy tied to the bed all the time !
-Know why Satan exists ? Because Twiggy tricked one of God’s beautiful but dumb lieutenants that God uses a syntethic lotion for his perfect skin.
-Do you know why lots of pure souls burn in hell ? Cause Twiggy messed up the Heaven and Hell indicators ! (He played ‘’smack the squirrel” with them)
-Know why wars are waged all the time ? Because Twiggy seems to think that throwing candy from the sky at people is good fun.
-Do you know why George W. Bush was never assasinated ? Because Twiggy had a son…
-Know why God sometimes doesn’t answer your deepest and purest prayers ? Cause Twiggy comes near his prayer-player and goes ”Neneneeeaah….Neannneanenenahh…”
-Know why the Romanian educational system exists ? Cause Twiggy likes to make lemonade out of the tears of children. (Even Satan is jealous !)
-Do you know why gay people exist ? Because…well, I don’t know…maybe they just like it that way

Graphical Description : Can’t make one, since I’m not a ”heathen”. However, most Twiggy represenations show us an old man, drooling, with a cloggy beard, an alcohool candy in one hand and a thunder in the other.

The thing is Twiggy is responsible for most evil in the world - not out of bad intentions but out of sheer stupidity. This is why we should cut God some slack and let the guy rest at times. We can pray to Twiggy instead - maybe he’ll do something good for a chance. Repeat after me : Bueaaahh..Bueaahh..Twiggeee…Money Me ! (Instead of making the sign of the cross, try hoping around in the room)

P.S : Never say his name out loud or he might hear you …he’ll wanna come and play afterwards !

Useless : A small selection…

I’ve made a short list with things and people the world could go without. I’ll probably finish it some day or probably not. We’ll see. The list is not meant to be a top 10 - I simply number things for my own pleasure.

1.The Pope : I hold no grudge against the actual, the former or the future Pope. However, I don’t seem to understand his absolute necessity and the need of a Vatican City. Of course, Orthodox Christians have their own leader (or a formal one, anyway) but the Pope is considered to be a symbol, a ”necessity”. Why ? What does he do beside kissing babies ? (he doesn’t even do that anymore). If there’s something unclear about the Catholic dogma, his council will solve the problem and the heard will ignore it, as usual. Wouldn’t it be better for Italy to just sack the guy and turn Vatican into a nice museum ?

2.Fruit Flavoured\Fruit Perfumed Condoms : Seriously…what the hell ? Coupled who generally practice oral sex do not use condoms at all. The others ? Well…during the sexual intercourse men don’t generally feel the need for a smell that tells ”You’re raping a fruit salad !”. Since most couples take a shower shortly after the sexual contact, smelling like a grapefruit ”down there” holds absolutely no advantage.

3.Pornogrind : This is actually a form of metal music, and subgenre of the grindcore metal subgenre (typical relation between metal genres). Not only was grindcore bad enough (with very few exceptions), some guys with absolutely no musical knowledge (there are pornogrind albums which use only 2 chords !) started swearing on meaningless melodies, ”composing” 1-2 minutes long songs. Here’s a sample of pornogrindcore lyricism Kill women - die \ kill women - dieeee \ kill women - dieeeee\ Bitch ! (Anal Cunt - Kill Women)

4.The British Royal Family : Similar to the Pope. The difference is the British Royal Family is composed entirely out of retards and that their properties and lack of activity costs Britain enourmously. They’re also symbolic, holding absolutely no executive or legislative power. A recent poll has showed that more than half of the British people would have no problem if prince Charles & Co would subtely disappear out of the ”royal life”.

5.Sexual Education : Who gives a damn ? Sexual Education ? In the 6th and 7th grade ? Generally taught by people who lack communication abilites, sexual education might only mislead and annoy the youngsters. Media seems to do a hell of a job in ”educating” our youngsters. Why not pull some restraints on the media ? As society is evolving, you must check if your 7th grade daughter isn’t already a prostitute !

I might decide to continue this tome of crapiness…

Do it yourself - Episode I : The time travelling device

<<WARNING : This weblog does not encourage any of the activities described below. In other words : Don’t be a moron !>>

As I was getting awfuly bored of my usual software\metal\pick on someone routine, I’ve decided to start a new series called ”Do it yourself”. This new series will show you how to build extraordinary contraptions and things you’ve never even dreamed of ! The series will be filed under the English category.

I’ve also used ”explicit graphic material” to describe the required actions.So let’s buckle off with something simple…a time travelling device.

THE TIME TRAVELLING DEVICE (Click on the images to enhance)

1.Step One : Pick up about a dozen nails and a hammer. Although we won’t use them, nails and hammers generally give the impression that you probably know what you’re doing.

2.Step Two : Make sure you understand time travelling. We’ve made a schematics here which resumes over 100 years of scientific work.

3.See, time travel is basically based on bunny jumps. But before we use the magic of the bunny jump, we have to open up a time portal. A time portal is opened by smashing a wall with the newly aquired hammer. You basically make a hole in the wall. It does not bear any power on itself, but it can be considered ‘’symbolic”. Mind the neighbours…they’re all ignorant.

4.Now, you know the basics and have the portal ! All you need is the bunny power ! Buy as many bunnies as possible, and tie them to a sled. Sit on the sled (obviously) Make the bunnies leap as fast as they can towards the hole in the wall !

5.If you used enough bunnies (a couple hundred will do) you will be soon transported to the future, where people with white robes will try to reanimate you from your time travelling experience. To go back into the past…well, I don’t know how to do that, you figure it out

HAPPY TIME TRAVELLING EVERYONE ! SEE YOU IN EPISODE II WHERE WE UNCOVER THE MISTERIES OF ANTIMATTER GENERATION ! (ALL IMAGES AND MATERIAL HERE CAN BE LABELLED AS KRO$$FIRE ORIGINAL CONTENT)

Heavenly PR

An old saying, which I’ve just invented claims that ”People aren’t interested in The Truth but in a convenient form of Some Truth”. This is what religion is based on : it offers someone’s truth, thus legitimating a superior instance”.

But what does the Church really stand for ? I’ll tell you : PR (Public Relations) ! the Church practises PR, in the name of God. And since God, as an intelligent superior instantance evaluated his risks, he hired multiple PR companies to spread his ideas. (Exemple : The Christians are an old Heavenly PR firm)

Why PR, though ? Because the Church promotes the image of a superior instance through its temples (promoting), it carries multiple PR campaigns (Fasting Holidays, Easter, Ramadan…) and offers permanent consulting. (confessions and absolution). The Church, regardless of it’s origin builds and represents the image of a divine authority in a environment which does not allow self-representation. Since the coming of Jesus, with the purpouse of founding ”Christian Incorporated”, no CEO of Heaven has ever stepped foot on Earth.

Speaking of Heaven, I must say that Saint Peter must be the head PR of this institution (Heaven Corporation) since he manages all guests and ”registered users”. According to the Holy Scripts he also founded two of the Heavenly PR companies from Earth.

Getting back to the Church : Does it practise a quality PR ? The answer : A definite NO ! How many people still trust the image of Divinity ? Few..very few people ! Thus, the great Heavenly PR companies should merge and summon a gigantic press conference which will be the start of a new large-scale PR campaign !

Although the history of PR promotes ”founding fathers” such as the incredible showman Phineas T. Barnum or the visionary journalist Ivy Lee, I believe that The Old Testament features a lot of undiscovered PR specialists. I wonder how much money did they get for the promotion of Heaven Corporation ?

My conclusion : Any form of organized religion represents a form of Public Relations !

(Father Cleopa - The last ingenious Heavenly PR specialist)

Copyright - This Article is under the incidence of Copyright Laws. All Rights Reserved to Vlad Stoiculescu aka Kro$$fire.

The Royal Court Needs You

Since I’ve been awfuly busy lately (although now I’m in a short vacation) I’ve decided to request some collaborations for The Royal Court - my weird side-project, project which tries to present political realities by using the sugar coated pill method. (Everything is presented from the perspective of a mad king)

What you could do :

-You could sign in by posting a willing comment on the last post from the The Royal Court blog.

-You should read the fictional kingdom’s history and blog structure

-After signing in, you will receive a user on the blog and you will be able to post. Also, a honorary citizen title will be made available for you. You are free to choose a function in the kingdm (beside king…)

P.S : You will also be added to the blogroll and will have the opportunity of making a little free advertising to your other projects.

The New Religion

Since it’s an universal language, I’ve decided to write this article in English. I’ve recently stumbled upon an ancient writing who describes how the world was really created, writing which gave me imense cosmic powers. Now my name shall be ”Enro Shamalong” (which could be translated as ”Bitches come to me”).

I shall give you a glimpse on the true path of the real religion, by reading a part of the first chapter :

‘Then, the penis-bearers met the baby-makers and they fought a war called the Fuckaton, and so humankind was born.”

Sounds cool , huh ? I bet you all want to follow my religion now…